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Posts Tagged ‘TV’

ANTM – Down with The Sickness

This week put me back in TV Nirvana, with the return of Survivor and 30 Rock to my regular Monday night viewing. No more of that silly crack-version of cricket. Which brings me to this week’s real episode of America’s Next Top Model, not that watered down recap show they showed us last week.

This week we were back in Thailand, and the 5 remaining girls had to learn how to do traditional Thai dancing. Now it can immediately be seen (and after confirmation on the all-mighty wiki) that this is essentially Thailand’s highest art form. Which should mean that it be treated with a little bit of respect and not allowing it to be defiled by a bunch of underfed, malnourished, well below-average IQ, American toothpicks.

Thai Dance: Usually high art

Thai Dance: Usually high art

The gem that emerged from learning how to dance in the Thai way was Jade learning that raising your hand above eye-level is considered arrogant. Her response: “That’s good to know, cos Jade doesn’t have an ounce of arrogance in her system.” Sweety, you need to get yourself a tape recorder and listen to yourself. All the dancing proved a little too much for Danielle, who proved that if you don’t eat for a couple of days, you will end up in the hospital attached to a drip. Srsly. Eventually, after taking a big stinky dump on Thai culture, Joanie was declared the winner.

Danielle returned from the hospital, against the doctor’s orders, to do her   the next day. This involved the girls being trucked into the jungle on elephants, to go and shave their legs. Because when you’re trapped in the middle of the jungle, the most important thing is that you’re razor is operated with batteries so that your legs can stay smooth.

When it came to judging, it was Furonda that left the building, or in this case, the country. I kinda liked her. She was cool in a ghetto-fabulous kind of way. For example, did you know that her favourite food is corn? Srsly. But what finally made me realise why she is the way that she is, is because this is her favourite TV show:

Suddenly it all makes sense.

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ANTM – Taking on Thailand

I’ve decided that this season of ANTM will be known forever as the season with the arms. Srsly. All the girls have been doing since day one has been to put their arms into really weird positions. It’s not normal.

I was really looking forward to this week’s episode, and with Survivor providing me with a great warm-up in the form of naked mud-wrestling (I told you this season was awesome), when 9pm stumbled past, I was ready.

This week there were only 6 girls left. In typical Tyra fashion, they were once again subjected to torture from some flamboyant queen from Vanity Fair. Once again, the African Queen proved that she’s good at being abused, and won the prize. Which got shared with Jade. A hilarious massage administered by the other contestants followed.

Ah Jade. Jade. You, lady, are beginning to irritate me. You really aren’t as awesome as you think you are. Referring to yourself in the 3rd person doesn’t make you cool, it makes you a douche. It gives off the impression that you’re stuck up your own ass. And you are. Not to mention your self-proclaimed ‘bi-ethnicity.’ WTF is that?

A drag queen later and the girls scurried off to “Ty-land.” For those of us that don’t speak low IQ, that’s Thailand. Here the girls got suspended from a harness to look like mermaids, which must have made the locals in their boats below wonder what on earth these American bitches were up to. Some classic lines were screamed by Furonda, such as “Ow, my lady parts!” and “You’re flattening my uterus!”

Bye bye Nnenna

Bye bye Nnenna

In the end it was Nnenna that got sent back to Africa, to moan at her boyfriend and find a cure for AIDS.

She’s a chemist, didn’t you know?

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ANTM – Dolls and Crybabies

I was a little at a loss as what to do with myself last night. The Amazing Race ended rather unspectacularly last week, until this week I noticed that the new season of Survivor has started. In China. Hell yeah. It looks like it’s going to be a really good one this time around. Even though Jeff Probst looks like he hasn’t aged a day since the first episode of the first season. Seriously man, that ain’t natural. I may need to start doing reviews of Survivor as of next week… for those who missed it, some redneck named Chicken didn’t make the cut. Probably something to do with his stupid name.

But back to the subject at hand. We are getting a whole lot closer to finding out who America’s Next Top Model is, as after last night’s episode, there are only 6 girls left. That’s not a lot. It’s close to the amount of toes on my right foot.

And then there were six.

And then there were six.

As per usual, the show tried its hardest to have a vague and horrible theme. It would seem that this week’s theme, was to torture the girls as much as their legal waiver and stupidity would allow. They had abuse hurled at them by an ‘actress,’ were made to pose as dolls, and had onion chapstick rubbed into their eyes. All in all, it didn’t make for bad viewing.

What was noticeably absent this week was the face of our favourite he/she/it, Miss J thing whatsit. I can only imagine that after last week’s terrible comedown/hangover performance the producers called he/she/it into a small room, and gave he/she/it a good wrist slapping. I missed he/she/it. It made everything horrible predictable.

It must just be said that Tyra may never again direct a photoshoot. I have no idea what she was trying to achieve, but all we had was a bunch of crying girls. On film. Trying to ‘access the emotion.’ Please.

The girls also went to a dentist to have their teeth whitened, polished, or in the case of Joanie, replaced completely. So when Tyra put on her serious voice at elimination time, it came as no surprise to see that Joanie was picked first out of the bunch. I’d also pick her first if I spent $100 000 fixing her teeth.

But what irritated me somewhat was Tyra’s criticism over Nnenna, the African refugee girl from some war-torn country near the equator. Tyra criticised her because in the doll photoshoot she looked nothing like a ‘babydoll.’ Her defense was that she never had a baby doll as a child. This is how the conversation should have gone:

Tyra: Your babydoll photo wasn’t that great.

Nnenna: I never had a babydoll as a child.

Tyra: Just because you never had one, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know what one looks like.

(what Nnenna should have said was:)
Nnenna: Well Tyra, just because you’ve never experienced genocide, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know what it looks like…

In the end we said goodbye to Brooke. In case you can’t remember who that was, it was the Texas girl who was ripping on Nnenna last week. Oooooh. Karma. She’s a bitch.

Brooke's Scary Clown Photo.

Brooke's Scary Clown Photo.

Cheers. Next week the girls are going somewhere international…

Oh dear.

PS. Jade needs to be dragged behind a dumpster and shot. Twice. She’s so far up her own ass it’s a miracle she hasn’t suffocated yet.

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The benifits of looking after your parents house whilst they are in Germany are many. There’s the fact that you can turn the heater on without feeling too guilty. The fact that the lounge isn’t tiled. The swimming pool in summer. The DSTV. And that I can watch America’s Next Top Model in glorious 32″ LCD flatscreen glory. Beautiful.

Last week the redheaded stepchild was sent home. I liked her, in the way that she had balls. Unfortunately I also strongly suspect that she was a lesbian, and she may have been sent home after peeking at the other girls in the shower. I’m only saying it because no-one else is. But that was last week.

This week’s ‘skill’ the girls had to learn was the art of multi-tasking. ‘Task’ might be a bit of a strong word though. What they had to do, was walk down a catwalk (already a challenge for some), and take off a jacket. At the same time. The poor girls made it seem like a very difficult task indeed. So, to see just how difficult it was, I walked to the kitchen and took off my nightgown (at the same time! And yes, I wear a nightgown. Do you know how cold it is?). No problem. I then made myself a coffee, put on the robe and then, whilst walking back to lounge, had not one, but several sips of coffee. I am totally America’s Next Top Model.

Multi-Tasking. Even this guy can do it. AND he took the picture.

Multi-Tasking. Even this guy can do it. AND he took the picture.

Earlier on in the evening I bumped into MusicLady on Twitter, and we had a great Twitter dissing session whilst the show was happening (I know. I need a life). Her contribution to the girl’s general lack of basic motor control: “they are retards. youre taking off a jacket, not assembling a rocket ship! tools!” What amused me even more than the girls not being able to walk, was the extend to which the tranny runway coach was either hungover or coming down from whatever drugs. It was beautiful. Almost as beautiful as the flamboyant, homosexual, bald, pencil-moustached, overweight twins which followed.

This led to the mini challenge, which was essentially, once again, a wonderful exercise in stereotyping. The challenge took place in a church, and the girls were outfitted in clothing best described as NunSlut. Right from the over-zealous black minister to the hand fans held by the audience, I had swallow the little bit of puke that made it up the back of my throat.

Meanwhile, back at the palace of all things Tyra, Nnenna was once again on the phone to her boyfriend. For hours. This obviously pissed Brooke off, leading to her spewing the hatred of: “What makes her special, she’s from Africa. Well go back to Africa then!” Oh bitchy bitchy Brooke. You just can’t say things like that. Especially if you come from Texas. People will make assumptions.

This is the best picture based joke of Texas I could find. Sorry.

This is the best picture based joke of Texas I could find. Sorry.

But now for the scariest part. The final photo shoot.

For this shoot the girls had to model a pair of shoes (all of which were fugly as shit). Cool, no problem. We can do shoes. The girls were then told that for this shoot they would have to dance. Cool, no problem here either. The style of dancing would be something known as crumping, a form of hip-hop dancing featuring clowns. Wait, what? Did I just use hip-hop and clown in the same sentence? I think I did.

Now imagine this, dancing to hip-hop.

Now imagine this, dancing to hip-hop.

I struggled to find a good definition for crumping. You know, one that will tell me the influences of the dance, certain moves, etc. I couldn’t find any. Urbandictionary did however provide me with an excellent alternative definition:

Crumping The act of dressing up as a crumpet. Covering yourself with butter and jam and then through a series of dance like shaking movements attempting to remove them before your competitors.
Man that was the worst crumping I have ever seen, you were as fresh as just out of the packet.
So besides hardcore clown dancing, the ladies managed to get some nice shots of the ugly shoes. When it came to elimination time and Tyra put on her serious voice, Jade’s ego got inflated just a little bit more, and Leslie got sent home.

Which one was Leslie?
Oh yeah, that one. See what I meant with the clowns?

Oh yeah, that one. See what I meant with the clowns?

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ANTM: Made for TV

This week on America’s Next Top Model, we saw the girls having to learn how to act. Oh dear. I’m glad I didn’t miss this one. The challange started off with the girls learning how to do improvisation.

Improvisation: Such Fun!

Improvisation: Such Fun!

What was  bloody hilarious was Tyra’s fake faint, genuinely getting the girls worked up over nothing. Personally, if I could myself in the same situation I would gone to make myself a sandwich, whilst I waited for the coroner to arrive. But hey, that’s just me.

It actually astounded me how little talent the girls actually have. I am talking of less than zero here. The improvisation classes were a total scream to watch, the girls believing that anger is equal to screaming in someones face. The next step for the girls was to appear on some hip kid’s improv show. It’s basically a cooler verison of Whose Line is It Anyway?, just way less funny. This further demonstrated their extreme talent at having no talent.

But what I’m really trying to settle on was this week’s “Photo Shoot,” which was actually nothing like what it sounds like. This week the girls had to shoot a 30 second commercial for some or other make up company that probably has shares in the show. Every single one of the ads was totally, totally horrible. The worst attempt came from Jade, who just tried to look pretty and glance at people. And failed.

I feel sorry for lesbian man-hater Mollie Sue. The 25 year old waitress, from some place in America just wanted to act. She truly believed she had it in her, that this was her thing. This teaches us a very important lesson: believing that you talent doesn’t mean that you do. You either have it or you don’t.

Most of the girls on this show don’t. Sorry to break the news to you, ladies.

Am I the only one who thinks she looks like a ginger lesbian?

Am I the only one who thinks she looks like a ginger lesbian?

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ANTM: Go back to China, bitch.

It is with the greatest of joy that I announce today that Irritating-Asian-Bitch is gone! Greater news there could not be (except maybe a global cure for AIDS or even a drop in the price of milk). She was really beginning to get on my nerve.

The girls had to look cute this week, doing modelling for a Sears catalogue. Sears? What the fuck? That’s not even on the same level as Woolworths in this country. That’s like modelling clothes for Pick and Pay. Or Ackermans. Not to mention the fact the the photographer had about 3 lines of coke before meeting the girls.

The photographer's general view to living life.

The photographer's general view to living life.

But before doing any of that, they had to learn how to pose first, from a lady who in my book is certified batshit insane. No seriously. But she did, however, share a valuable little industry secret, that “We never rat out our bitches!” Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.

The prize for winning this oh-so-fabulous coke-fuelled part of the show? The entire catalogue. Let’s be honest here, who wants it? Give it to charity bitch, you know you ain’t going to wear it. Besides, they don’t make clothes for people as skinny as you. The winner? The girl from Africa, who spells her name with two ‘N’s.

For the final shoot this week, the girls had to pose as what they wanted to be when they grow up.

When I grow up, I wanna have boobies.

When I grow up, I wanna have boobies.

Well, it would seem, that all the girls want to be are sluts. Seriously. I have never ever in my life seen people in the careers of lawyers, teachers, and human rights activists dress like that. There’s corporate sexiness, and then there’s corparate horniness. I know it’s a fashion shoot, but after the sluttiness of last week’s fairy tales, surely enough is enough? But I couldn’t really care. The bitch is gone.

Go back to China, bitch.

Go back to China, bitch.

And before you all run toward me for hate speech, I’m quoting Donnie Darko.

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ANTM – Roachy Toasty

Yes, that’s right, last night it was again time for America’s Next Top Model! This week, the third girl was due to leave the house, but before any of that happened, the girls needed to learn how to walk. And who better to teach them how to do that, than this douche:

FUN FACT: J. Alexander actually has a penis!

FUN FACT: J. Alexander actually has a penis!

Apparently walking in heels can be tricky business. Cool, no worries girls, we respect the sacrifices that you need to make. But good lord, how hard can it be to just put one foot in front of the other one? It would seem that Tyra felt that a show full of skinny people falling over would just make for awesome ratings. What makes for even better ratings are the words spewing from the above-pictured person’s mouth. His (Hers? Its?) views on how to walk on a runway:

It has to be slinky inky. If it isn’t slinky inky, it’s going to be stinky stinky

Yes he/she/it actually said that. He/she/it is also a total mathematical genius, as proved with this quote:

I’m only seeing her using about 45% of her potential, which if you take it out of a hundred, isn’t that much

Mensa should be knocking on your door any day now.

Something cool did happen though, when the girls had to model clothes for some Jared something or other, who said that his spring collection was inspired by ‘acid colours’ and ‘psychedelic feelings.’ Now to me, that just seems like he took a lot of drugs and drew some pictures of clothes. But what really confirmed it for me was when he told the girls they’d be modelling with cockroaches. But not just any roaches. Big ass, Madagascan Giant Hissing Cockroaches. Adorned with rhinestones. On a fucking leash. I want a cockroach on a leash. How cool would that be?

Bad in the kitchen. Awesome on a leash.

Bad in the kitchen. Awesome on a leash.

Seeing as the girls were only really good at falling over in this episode, the Gay Guy with The Silver Hair made them fall over and over and over again for the main photoshoot. Tyra also thought it would be a good idea to make the girls look like Fairytale hookers. But hey, there’s nothing that oozes sex appeal like being reminded of the stories your mother read to you when you were 5.

When it came time to say goodbye, I was really hoping Irritating Asian Girl would go away. After Tyra made them walk (and fall over – a lot) in platform heels that would make any stripper jealous, the names got called out. I was in luck – Irritating Asian Girl was in the bottom two. But she stayed, and we said goodbye to Goldilocks, who promptly turned on the waterworks. Cheers bitch. Go cry to mommy.

Goodbye Goldilocks. Off to a life of catalogue work for you.

Goodbye Goldilocks. Off to a life of catalogue work for you.

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